Many people come to therapy because they feel “lost” and are trying to figure out how to feel happier and more satisfied with their lives in general. I have seen this happen a lot for clients (mostly women) who have been homemakers most of their adult lives, and then when their kids go off to college they feel a big loss since their day-to-day role as mom is gone. Moms are often so used to taking care of everyone else that they have no practice doing things for themselves, by themselves. I also see retirees (often men) feel lost especially for those who derived their identity and self-worth from their career. Any time there is a significant transition in a person’s life it makes sense that there will be a period of time that feels empty or that something is missing. However, this is a great problem to have because more free time equals more opportunities to try new things and do things you didn’t have time to do before!
Many retirees feeling lost and without purpose may find a lot of satisfaction volunteering with non-profit organizations such as Habitat for Humanity, ASPCA, and the Special Olympics. Being of service to others, whether it be children, elderly people, or animals is so rewarding because it allows you to directly experience the impact of your generosity and kindness. Volunteering is different than a paid job: instead of getting paid monetarily, you are rewarded with Oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. Oxytocin is created when there is warmth and connection between people (and animals) and it just plain feels good. It’s supposed to feel good so that we continue to seek connection. When we are isolated and withdrawn, life feels especially meaningless. I believe that our quality of life is directly impacted by the quality of our relationships, both on a friends and family level but also people in our community. By giving of ourselves, we are reminded that we have inherent goodness that’s not tied to achievement or wealth.
And as for moms who are giving and nurturing at the expense of their own needs, instead of volunteering (which would be more caring for others), I would suggest getting a part time job doing something they enjoy. This is especially empowering for women who have never had their own source of income. For example, if you enjoy gardening or have always wanted to try gardening as a hobby, a good place to work would be a gardening store or a flower shop. If you don’t know where to start because you’ve never had a hobby, then this is the perfect time to do so! Any creative endeavor that you have always wanted to try or are curious about is a great first step. Many community colleges have low-cost classes and workshops: dance, pottery, painting, writing, and so many more. Have you always wanted to learn to play an instrument or speak another language? Not having kids to take care of really creates time and space to be able to do these things that are just for you. At first it may feel like you are being selfish or wasting time, but I encourage you to try to shift your thinking about this. Consider it a reward for all of your hard work being a mom. Being a parent is a very difficult, often thankless, full-time job and you deserve to relax and have fun! You’ve paid your dues and it’s time to prioritize your own needs and wants. There is meaning and purpose in that endeavor because you count too!
There’s more to life than how much money you make or how much you have achieved when it comes to reaching goals. Life is meant to be experienced and enjoyed and when you spend your time intentionally in a mindful way, life does become more meaningful and we feel more satisfied. If you aren’t in either of the above categories and feel lost and without purpose, one other avenue to consider is exploring a spiritual path or practice. I’m not talking about organized religion (though some people embrace that), but rather things like gratitude journaling, meditation, or even more “out there” things like alternative healing (Acupuncture, Reiki, CranioSacral Therapy) or sound healing, drumming circles, or chanting groups. Even if you’ve never considered any of the things I just mentioned, and actually, especially if you’ve never considered them, I encourage you to have an open mind and try something new. If you are feeling lost, it’s time to make a change, and you never know what your experience will be unless you try it and see for yourself!