I’m not sure if it’s due to societal norms changing with each generation or other factors but I’m finding more and more clients contemplating leaving their partner even after decades. This group includes folks of any sexual orientation, age, and gender. In situations where their partner has been repeatedly unfaithful or abusive, it becomes clear that they need to end the relationship. However, there are also clients who have mixed feelings about leaving because there are some aspects of the relationship that are positive (like friendship and co-parenting) but overall they are dissatisfied because they aren’t in love with their partner and aren’t sexually or romantically attracted to them. It’s also not uncommon for a partner to engage in sexual activity even when they don’t want to in order to maintain some sense of normalcy and avoid difficult conversations which causes inner a lot of inner turmoil. In many cases their home life seems “fine” on the surface but there isn’t any intimacy between the partners (emotionally or physically) and they are basically roommates. They have often tried couples therapy for a while but nothing has changed and they feel very stuck. So even though they are very dissatisfied in the relationship, clients in this category often feel it isn’t bad enough to leave and they don’t want to cause harm to their children. They hold the belief that it is better for their kids if they all live under the same roof as long as things aren’t that bad. Believe it or not, sometimes even if the parents are arguing a lot and on a daily basis they still believe it’s better to stay together as a family in one house. This belief is outdated, often based on religious or cultural narratives, and I want to encourage a different view that is fortunately becoming more prevalent and accepted.
While it’s true that divorce is a life-changing event that creates turbulence and emotional challenges for all family members, in the long term, I believe it’s more harmful for children to have a distorted view of intimate partnership. If kids grow up in a house where there is no physical affection between parents, minimal meaningful communication or lots of arguing, that becomes the norm or template for what a partnership should be. Children who grow up with an unhealthy relationship model will likely end up in a similar relationship because it’s familiar. As humans we gravitate toward the familiar, not necessarily what’s healthy and best for our well-being. The other harm of staying in a relationship when you are unhappy and things are not getting better is that you are modeling for your children putting everyone else’s needs before your own and sacrificing your own happiness. If you want your children to value making choices that make them happy, you have to model that for them. If you model staying in a relationship that is mediocre at best and ultimately unfulfilling or toxic, they will learn from you and will likely repeat that behavior.
Being true to yourself as a way of life is a powerful inner compass and the world would be a happier place if we all prioritized it. Being true to yourself requires total honesty and integrity with yourself and those around you. Being true to yourself sometimes requires you to make some hard choices and perhaps disappoint others. However, that’s better than disappointing yourself and living a lie which ultimately creates rifts in relationships including those between parents and children. When you model having integrity for your children, this is one of the best gifts you can give them. It feels good to live with your heart, head and body in alignment. This means having your behavior in the outer world match your inner thoughts, feelings and experience. A parent with integrity is a happier parent and a happier parent is more emotionally attuned to their children, more patient, and kinder. It is better parenting to be a model than a martyr.
Research on divorce shows that what’s most damaging for kids of divorced parents isn’t the fact that they aren’t all living together under the same roof; rather, it’s the level of conflict between the parents in general that causes harm regardless of the living arrangements. Parents who can maintain an amicable relationship and effectively co-parent after divorce without putting the children in the middle create a much more positive family dynamic than parents who say negative things about the other parent or force children to choose between the parents. Parents who can model effective communication around co-parenting issues are teaching their kids that they still have basic respect for one another, and the level of conflict is minimal. Having a therapist for the parents to help navigate co-parenting issues is very helpful if both parties are willing to participate. In some cases, one (or both) partners are unable or unwilling to participate in a productive way and it’s impossible for the parents to put aside their differences for the sake of the children unfortunately. My hope is that parents learn to make decisions while holding the awareness that they are modeling behaviors for their children and therefore they have the responsibility to be mindful of what they are doing. The bottom line is that there are factors that can mitigate the impact of divorce on children and parents have control of these factors if they make responsible parenting choices. Getting the children into therapy as well with a mental health professional sooner rather than later is another way to support kids with the transitions that come along with divorce.
One one of the biggest decisions parents need to be mindful of is not repeating the same pattern in their future relationships if they decide to date again. Having awareness of our own relationship tendencies based on what what was modeled for us by our parents can help us make better choices as far as who we pursue a serious relationship with and who we decide isn’t going to be a compatible partner for us. We need to find better role models for loving, intimate partnership if our own parents didn’t model that for us. I encourage you to think about what kind of relationship your parents modeled for you. Think about aspects such as the quality of their communication, level of physical intimacy, and overall happiness and harmony. Did you see your parents hug, kiss, hold hands and say “I love you” on a regular basis or was there no physical affection at all? Were they often arguing or ignoring each other, or were they able to resolve conflicts in a respectful and constructive way? Did they seem to just co-exist and not even enjoy each others’ company or did they have date nights and common interests? Now compare all of that to your current relationship. Some aspects might be the same and some might be different. I encourage you to think about what you really want your relationship to look and feel like. If you are realizing as you are reading this that you aren’t being true to yourself in your current relationship, you owe it to yourself and your children to break the pattern and make some changes. This might not mean divorce; it could mean couples counseling or having some hard conversations with your partner. The worst thing you can do is do nothing and hope things to change on their own. They usually don’t. If you are struggling with any of these issues right now and would like to figure out how to make some changes, I can help! Please reach out to me to schedule your free consultation and we can talk about your situation.