Before I delve into the topic of healing after an abortion, I want clarify that this blog is not about politics, religious beliefs, morals, or particular laws regarding abortion. In this blog, I want to focus specifically on the emotional aftermath of abortion that some people experience without any shaming or judgment about it. I also want to mention that I am using gender-inclusive and non-heteronormative language because not all people who have abortions identify as women (others are trans, non-binary, or gender non-conforming). Additionally, partners of people who can get pregnant do not always identify as male. I also want to add that I’ve had several clients who were negatively impacted when a partner had an abortion without their knowledge and with no discussion of how they felt about the situation. Years later, there can still be pain and loss associated with the experience, and I don’t want to discount this aspect even though the partner wasn’t the one to have the abortion. Abortion obviously is a controversial topic that people often have strong opinions about, so it can feel risky to tell someone about their experience. Fears of judgment and even being physically targeted are valid concerns. There’s so much focus on abortion laws, regulations, and ethical questions that not much attention gets paid to the emotional after effects of abortion, let alone how to help with the healing process.
If you, the reader, are pregnant and are considering having an abortion, please know that my intention is not to sway your decision in any way. I fully support self-determination, body autonomy and reproductive justice as general principles as well as listening to your inner wisdom above everything else. My intention is to bring to light a topic that a lot of people shy away from and to offer some hope for those who are trying to find healing and resolution. If you are experiencing strong emotions while reading this blog, please practice good self-care and go do something self-soothing like take a walk, hug a pet, or listen to nature sounds. Come back to this another time when you feel ready.
The decision to have an abortion is a deeply personal one, though there are some universal aspects overall. It is common to have a mix of feelings regardless of the circumstances at different stages of the process. For example, there is often an initial wave of anxiety when an unwanted pregnancy is first discovered. This period of time is full of thinking through every scenario and trying to make the “right” decision, which can be very difficult to do when all options will be life-altering. Even a person decides that abortion is the best option for them and feels sure about their choice, it is also common to feel disappointed, sad, and scared. Having an unplanned pregnancy is a stressful event after all. Right after the abortion itself, most people feel relieved or a mix of emotions especially if the circumstances that led to being able to obtain the abortion were difficult. Regardless of the initial reactions, over the next 1-2 weeks following an abortion, pregnancy hormones decrease and can cause temporary mood changes which is normal. Most people feel “back to normal” after that period of time. However, people who have a history of anxiety or depression may experience sleep or appetite disturbance, feeling lost or physically numb, or a flare up of anxiety or depression symptoms. Additionally, it’s possible for the feelings attached to the abortion to remain dormant for weeks, months or even years, only to surface later when triggered by other life events. Feelings don’t follow the laws of “time and space,” so it’s irrelevant whether the abortion happened last week or 10 years ago.
I would consider abortion to be part of two categories: “ambiguous loss” and “disenfranchised grief.” To elaborate, it can feel like an ambiguous loss because (usually) abortions happen within the first three months of pregnancy, prior to obvious physical signs. Thus, the person may not have fully grasped the reality that there is in fact a human embryo growing inside their womb. It’s difficult for our brains to process a loss when there are no visible signs of what is being lost. Even though abortion is a self-chosen loss, it is still a loss. It is common for a person to remember the date of the abortion and have emotions surface around the anniversary of it even many years afterward, or later in life if they are trying to become pregnant or when they have children. Some examples of more ambiguous loss may be a loss of the fantasy of the circumstances surrounding a pregnancy (being in a loving relationship, having a planned pregnancy, or being more mature and emotionally ready to be a parent).
The term “disenfranchised grief” refers to the notion that a person doesn’t really have the right to grieve due to the stigma often surrounding abortion, or that it’s not truly a loss since it was a choice to terminate the pregnancy rather than a naturally occurring miscarriage. Additionally, some people may not feel safe enough to tell anyone about their decision, thus making it even more complicated to process the abortion afterward. If a person fears telling their parents that they are pregnant, for example, then they also can’t get emotional support from them during this difficult time. It takes a lot of energy to hide one’s internal experience, especially associated with such a big life event, and it also increases shame which makes it difficult to find peace even years later.
When working with clients who have unresolved feelings about an abortion, here’s the approach I take and suggestions I make:
1) Work toward the idea that it’s okay (and normal) to have a mix of emotions about the experience. It’s okay to feel both relieved AND sad. You don’t have to just pick one feeling. It doesn’t mean you are making light of the situation just because you have mixed feelings. You may also cycle through other feelings such as guilt, shame, and anger, even months later. It’s important to allow your feelings to be whatever they are.
2) Instead of trying to get rid of the sadness right away, first work toward healing any self-hatred and shame you have about your decision. These two emotions are so toxic and really get in the way of the healing process. When we are stuck on self-judgment, it’s impossible to move forward. Try to be gentle with yourself and know that you aren’t alone, and you aren’t a bad person for making the decision you did under the circumstances you were in at the time. We are all doing our best with what we know and have at the time. Always. If we knew differently or had other resources available, we may have done things differently. Or we may have done things exactly the same way if we had them to do over again. You are still a person worthy of love regardless! If you have religious or cultural beliefs telling you otherwise, this part may be especially difficult for you. It may help to find a clergy person who can offer another way to make peace with your decision instead of feeling that you have committed an unforgivable act. Two great resources for abortion support within faith communities are Faithaloud.org and abortionswelcome.org.
3) Treat the abortion with the same gentleness as any other trauma or loss. It’s normal and healthy to have a range of emotional reactions following a stressful event or loss. There’s often also the loss of the fantasy of what getting pregnant would be like; for example one client said that she was mourning the fantasy of being pregnant while in a loving relationship and of being nothing but happy about the big news. For this client, the reality was that she had become pregnant as a result of a date rape and had a lot of anxiety, sadness, shame and anger regarding the entire situation. Sometimes the circumstances of the pregnancy are a much bigger trauma than the abortion itself, and so there are many layers of loss to navigate. Even finding resources and being able to obtain an abortion can be more difficult and stressful than the actual abortion. This is the case more than ever with the restrictive laws in many states in the U.S.
4) Think of your healing process through the lens of this metaphor: Imagine you have a glass jar and there’s a large black marble inside. This marble represents the abortion and all of the emotions that accompany it. The goal of your healing process is not to find a way to remove the marble, but rather to expand the jar to make room for other marbles. While we can never erase the event and your experience of it at the time, what we can do is integrate it as part of your journey, and let it help you grow and move forward. If you are only focused on the large marble in the small jar, it will define you and be your main emotional focus. Instead, you can be learn how to hold your experience with compassion and acceptance rather than push it away, distract from it, or label it as “bad.” There are so many other aspects to life, like joy, inspiration, creativity, meaningful pursuits, relationships, and just having fun. It’s these aspects that make the journey worth the challenging parts.
5) Try to find some spiritual meaning in the whole experience. I’m not talking about a religious belief (unless you have one that will be helpful for you), but I mean a belief that creates a perspective that helps you move toward acceptance. For example, one of my clients believes that if she hadn’t had the abortion (at age 19), she wouldn’t have had the 3 wonderful children she has today. She feels she can live with her decision because she loves her children so much even though she still has some sadness about the abortion. Another client holds the belief that she trusted her inner wisdom enough to know that having the abortion was the right decision even though it was the hardest thing she had ever done. She feels proud of herself for listening to her inner voice, especially because the circumstances surrounding how she became pregnant were related to not listening to this voice.
6) Look for safe spaces and people to share your experience with. I read somewhere that “We are only as sick as our secrets” and I think there’s a lot of wisdom in that statement. Abortion is the most commonly performed procedure in the U.S., and you will be surprised to find how many others have been through the same thing. Due to the shame and stigma associated with abortion, no one wants to risk being judged so they don’t feel safe to talk about it. It takes a lot of courage to make yourself vulnerable, and it can be incredibly freeing to be received with love, acceptance, and compassion. As human beings, we need each other and it’s a lot easier to deal with life’s challenges when we aren’t trying to navigate them in isolation. There are many resources that provide support for people after having an abortion such as the National Abortion Federation which is a great organization
7) When you are ready, you might consider some sort of meaningful ritual related to the abortion. This can take on many forms and might include doing a collage with poignant words and images, creating a small shrine with calming objects to symbolize making peace with yourself about the abortion, writing a letter to yourself or the embryo/fetus, volunteering with an organization that offers post-abortion support services, planting a tree or flowers to symbolize new growth and healing, or anything else that resonates with you.
8) I highly recommend a gentle form of yoga to help with your overall healing. Yoga can help with healing on every level of your being: physical, emotional, and spiritual. I’ve done several trainings focused on using yoga to heal trauma and I am a strong believer in its power. The other method I find helpful for healing any kind of trauma is something called TRE (Trauma-Releasing Exercises), which triggers our innate healing mechanism on the physical level. It’s a bit too complicated to elaborate on it in this blog, but I did want to mention it because it’s something I use and have found helpful to clients. I don’t recommend doing these exercises on your own since strong emotions can surface in the process, but you could do them with a caring therapist present (like myself!).
If you are struggling emotionally after having an abortion, I encourage you to seek professional help, look for a support group, and attend some gentle yoga classes. Please reach out and schedule a consultation if anything I’ve written resonates with you. You don’t have to go through this alone!